Well, as you may have noticed, I got in at around 1 in the morning last night, following a day of travel and my usual pre-travel night of not much sleep. Hence, today has been a slow and quiet day of reflection and recovery.
It was a very bittersweet trip. I got to see a lot of family unexpectedly early, including my now six-and-a-half-week-old nephew. My grandmother’s passing came at the end of a long decline, so there’s not a lot to process there. I’d said my goodbyes and made my peace with the end of the person I knew long ago. The reflection to which I refer has to do more with the people who are still here, neither least nor most of all me.
I didn’t take my computer, as I’d suggested might happen in my post last week. I did have some actual notebooks, my phone, and my tablet, but the majority of my energy and time were focused on other people. That’s not to say nothing creative happened; I basically can’t stop my brain from working on something in the background. But in times of stress and feelings of powerlessness, it tends more towards system nerdery and game design than stories. They’ll be more on that in this space sometime in the near future.
This was my first trip back to Nebraska with Jack where I felt 100% comfortable just being with him, like there was nothing to prove (or avoid inadvertently proving), no pitfalls to sidestep, etc. I know that depending on what kind of a mood they read this in, both members of my family and Jack himself might look at that and wonder what’s wrong with them that I’d ever feel that way, but honestly, it’s not about anyone else, it’s about me. Social anxiety doesn’t go away just because you’ve known someone all your life, or all of theirs, nor does it go away because it has no rational basis.
I’ll posting more “worky” stuff tomorrow, though I make zero predictions about what’s actually going to happen. It’s been a very haphazard week. We didn’t have food in the fridge when we got home.