Millennials, either you are closing your eyes to a situation you do not wish to acknowledge or you are not aware of the caliber of the disaster indicated by your demographic cohort’s entry into adulthood. Now, I admire and adore the Millennials. I consider the time I spent coming of age on or around the turn of the 21st century is golden. That doesn’t mean Millennials haven’t got trouble. Below is a pledge that’ll help you cultivate horse sense, a cool head, and a keen eye.
THE MILLENNIAL PLEDGE
- I will not sip medicinal wine from a spoon.
- I will not then sip beer from a bottle.
- I will not play for money in a pinch-back suit.
- I will not listen to some big out-of-town Jasper talking about gambling on horse racing.
- Not a wholesome trotting race, no sir!
- But a race where they sit right down on the horse.
- I will not fritter away my:
- Noontime
- Suppertime
- Choretime, too.
- I will get the dandelions pulled.
- I will get the screen door mended.
- I will get the beafsteak pounded.
- I will pump water so my parents don’t get caught with the cistern empty on a Saturday night.
- I will not try out Bevo.
- I will not try out cubebs.
- I will not try out Tailor Mades, like a cigarette fiend.
- I will not brag about how I’ll cover up tale-tell breath with Sen-Sen.
- I will not leave the pool hall heading for the Armoury Dance.
- I will not re-buckle my knickerbockers below the knee the moment I leave the house.
- I will not have a nicotine stain on my index finger.
- I will not hide a dime novel in the corn crib.
- I will not memorize jokes from Captain Billy’s Whiz-Bang.
- I will not let certain words creep into my vocabulary, words like:
- “Swell”
- “So’s your old man.”