By Alexandra Erin
First Published: September 22nd, 2015
To continue this call in English, press 1.
To continue a different call, press 2.
To resume a call you don’t remember placing, press 3.
To end a call you had no intention of ever beginning, press 4.
To speak with technical support, press 5.
To speak with the dead, press 6.
For billing inquiries, press 7.
For all other inquiries, press 8.
For other other inquiries, press 9.
If you know your party’s extension,
enter a perfect dreamless sleep
and never awaken
If you’d like to leave a message,
please consider with whom,
and at what cost.
If you’d like to speak with the operator,
please hang up the phone
and turn around
Please have your account number
and be ready to scream.
Be ready to run.
It won’t help.
Nothing will help.
Your call is very important to us.
It will be answered in the order it was received.